I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
