Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
FUCK WHALES
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
