"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
