there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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