I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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