update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
