If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
