I CAN MOONWALK!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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