i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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