I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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