My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Randomize
