Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
