I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
