I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
