Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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