New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
