Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
