he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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