the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
