i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
