My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
