im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
