i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
