Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
