i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
