im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I need to calm my uterus...
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