i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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