I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
