Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
