Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
