Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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