I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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