Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
