awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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