I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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