I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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