I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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