forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
