You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
