farters have to be the big spoon...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
