Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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