I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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