I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I just sharted jello shots
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
