That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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