I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
