You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
