I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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