so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
