So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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