I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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